by Alyssa Ramos
Follow up post to my recent article in The Huffington Post, “Yes, I’m Pretty and I’m Traveling Alone”
Yes, I got the typical hate-comments from my recent Huffington Post Article, most of which just re-stated the opening sentence that I wrote about how I expected some people to immediately jump to judge me for writing it, even though the entire article was about being judged for doing what I love…
But those comments haven’t even crossed my mind, because what I also got was an insane amount of loving, supportive, and excited emails, messages, and comments from women all over the world, sharing their stories of how they can relate, and the inspiration they have to go travel. (Kudos to the men who wrote me too, agreeing that it’s BS that women have to deal with that and that they hope we continue to reach for our travel dreams!)
Before I get to the actual point of this post, (or start crying) I just want to share what my overall goal is with traveling and travel blogging, and why despite any judgments or negative comments, I always have, and always will, continue to work my ass off to do it;
My goal is to inspire people to travel and do what they love. I’ve dealt with negativity and judgement my whole life, but now, I’ll be damned if I ever let what someone says or thinks about me stop me from achieving my goals.
Ok now for the actual story here — I knew for a fact that other women experience the type of judgment and fear that I do when I travel alone, which is why I wanted to share these real-life stories from real-life women about what they’ve experienced when traveling alone.
It’s not exactly a topic that’s fun to discuss, or easy to for that matter, but it’s also not a topic that should be ignored. As mentioned in my previous article, it’s 20-f*cking-15, and times have changed. It’s about time we all start acting like it.
(from Life’s a Beach, Huh? on Huffington Post UK)
“Yesterday I read Alyssa Ramos’s travel blog about the particular problems she encounters. Since I too travel, and have tits and eyelashes, I thought I’d share some of my experiences with you.
I have also been mistaken for a prostitute while travelling alone. Five times. All at locations I haven’t needed my passport to get to.”
“People do assume that I’m travelling alone due to a break-up and sometimes that’s true. Well, once. I wrote about it here. Mostly I have too much to do when planning a holiday to fit a break-up in as well as remembering to buy sunscreen.
So some people are puzzled as to the main reason why I travel alone. Let me solve that for you. It’s either that or take the kids with me. The main reason I want to go to Iceland is because they’re not there.”
While living in Barcelona was nothing short of a dream, it came with its unforeseen downsides in the form of harassment, not only as a woman, but as an African-American one.
I was so oblivious at the time, that I had no idea why cars would pull over, wind down their windows, and signal me to come inside. I just kept thinking, why do men keep offering me rides? I had no idea that I was constantly being mistaken for a prostitute for the simple fact that I had dark brown skin.
Many of the African migrant women who came to live in Spain could only find work in this area, so the assumption that I was one of them was something that I couldn’t change overnight. I found myself layering up, wearing scarves to dance clubs, and doing everything I could to divert attention away from me, especially at night. Yet and still, the police would wink at the male friends I was with, or the shouts asking “how much” in Spanish would still come.
No doubt it has tainted my Spanish experience, because the fact that I was probably doing more for the city than half the losers who hollered at me was an unseen factor. Many times we don’t talk about the ugly side of travel. But this is indeed one of the ugliest.
I am 27 years old and I have been traveling solo for five years to over 25 countries. A friend once said to me, “I wish I could travel too but I’m not a pretty girl like you.” People act like because I’m attractive that life is handed to me on a silver platter. Sure, sometimes someone might offer to buy me a drink but no one but me is financing my plane tickets, bills, clothing and living expenses. I have worked very hard to create the lifestyle that I have. The idea that successful women cannot also be beautiful, that they have somehow “cheated” or that things come easier to them needs to change.
Funnily enough I never experienced harassment where everyone thinks it’s probably most likely to happen on a regular basis: in Latin America. The worst situation for me happened in Zanzibar where people completely couldn’t understand how can I travel on my own. They kept inviting me to spend the night with them. When I finally asked what do they think of me they said that I’m surely just looking for new sexual adventures. Since then I’m always saying that I’m on a business trip.
Of course I get judged for traveling solo as a female — even more for doing it professionally. I often get a “are you married yet?” from elderly family friends. No, I’m not. I’m 25 and I’m traveling the world.
Most people seem inspired or are at least polite. But there are many, especially men that think there is something “wrong” with me for traveling solo. It’s like they think that I’m misbehaving because I travel solo and built my own business.
No, by traveling solo, I am not breaking any laws, hurting anyone, or mischievous. The only thing I’m challenging is the social convection that I can’t do something I enjoy because I am a woman. Travel makes me happy, so if no one is coming with me, I go anyways.
As I walked along the Great Wall of China, I realized I had forgotten something. I brought a picture of my 84 & 86 year old grandparents so I could take a photo with the photo of them. They know they’ll never make it to China and I wanted to do this as a gift. So, as I walked back to the car, alone, I was approached by several men who basically propositioned me. I tried several times to say “no” and “please, leave me alone” but they persisted. It wasn’t until my husband came down the hill to join me that they finally backed off. I wasn’t even traveling alone and I was still perceived to be a “working girl.” In the end, I got the shot and that’s all that matters!
I was in Frankfurt, Germany 3 years ago and I was in a bar having drinks when a bunch of guys on a bachelor party came in. Of course bought me drinks, casual. But when I left they were extremely angry because they thought I was a prostitute and I left with their free drinks and they didn’t get anything but good conversation. They cursed me on my way out (in Italian) saying I should’ve told them I wasn’t a hooker before buying me all of the drinks.
My experiences aren’t exactly harrowing, but I do feel judgement when traveling. Now I’ve chosen to go to somewhat conservative countries like Thailand so it’s more understandable that wearing a tank top in a country that views shoulders as scandalous would get me some stares. But I did hate when I would wear a knee-length skirt and my students would tell me it was “sexy” and therefore inappropriate.
Living in Colombia now, I get catcalls every day when I walk around no matter if I’m wearing jeans & a tshirt or get a little dressed up for a night out. I get A LOT more attention if I put on make-up or show some skin. Being blonde & pale skinned immediately sets me apart and it’s not something I enjoy it all. I’ve learned to ignore it and it’s not going to stop from traveling, but it is frustrating and I’m glad you’ve opened the discussion for this. I’m not sure if this helps with your article at all, but just wanted to try and share as this is something that has bothered me for a while.
My partner and I are currently traveling around South East Asia with our 2 year old son. Every time I step outside the door alone with my son, I am totally flabbergasted with the number of times I am asked “Where is your husband?”
It takes all my willpower not to shoot back with, “Firstly, he’s not my husband!” (We’re not actually married, but we’re staying in a deeply Catholic country so better to keep things simple), “Secondly, he doesn’t own my ass! Thirdly, mind your goddamn business – I’m busy arguing with a toddler about whether or not he can play on the road during peak hour traffic.”
When I do get a moment to get out on my own without the baby, my outings are scattered with comments like “You’re so sexy”; “You’re so beautiful”, and my personal favourite so far – “My friend likes your face.” This is all well and good for the ego, but not exactly great for making me feel safe in a foreign country.
I understand that the culture is different here, however I relish the day where I am not judged by my proximity to a male, or whether I have his permission to go on an outing with my son.
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Ah yes, the joys of being female and travelling alone. I am a 48 year old flight attendant. I am also a nurse and speak 3 languages. Everything I have ever done has been for a reason. I hold a trip (Italy/France) that is wayyyy above my 24 year seniority and has been for 24 years. That meant that I flew with lovely people who made two-three times what I did. I had a baby, then another and private school to pay for while they bought stuff and dined out through the 90's and early 2000's. I loved them, but I couldn't go out with them. 50 euros on dinner bought me a night in Mexico! I bought sandwiches and a cheap bottle of wine and went to the park, or packed mac n cheese and tuna and ate that. I wandered and window shopped, went running in Villa Borghese for as long as I wanted, and basically used my precious per diem money for life at home or to take trips with my family. Now those babies are going to college, so there's still no money! In the meantime, I have loved wandering alone at will on my layovers and without the "groupthink" that inevitably happens when you go out with other people. I have made friends with my wonderful lady who owns the inexpensive pizza place that I walk 25 minutes to get to, after I hang out and chit chat with the kind cafe staff that has taken care of me at my Roman cafe as I've studied for certification exams pertaining to being a nurse. In Paris, I frequented a sandwich shop for my 2E "sandwich poulet" for years. I am reserved, I am formal, as I am not unattractive, even at 48. I dress like a lady, I get steely eyed when necessary. I envy my gregarious buddy, who at 60 something with a buzz cut embraces everyone around her and is allowed to, since she's obviously off the market. Little do they know, how dangerous she is! The good news is, as women get older, they get more ignorable, so hang in there Alyssa, 40 years from now, no worries. In the meantime, I love your frugal travel, your indomitable spirit and I enjoy your blog very much. Bravo!
Thank you so much Jenn, and a huge thanks for your story! The most inspirational people I've "met" are women like you who motivate me to keep doing what I'm doing, and make me feel like it's not just Ok to be a solo female traveler, but also a great accomplishment! Happy New Year and safe travels!
Hey Alyssa!
I really loved your article "I'm pretty and I travel solo", and I'm glad that you posted this as well!
I've experienced sexual harassment in Cairo that was so bad, that it started turning me into a very aggressive and angry person in order to deal with it. I had several men arrested for harassing me (that's when the Canadian passport comes in handy!). Regardless of all that, I loved Egypt, despite being mistaken for a prostitute countless times (yes, even dressed religiously).
This was also when I had no piercings and was still fully covered, wearing a hijab and abaya. I am half Middle Eastern and speak Arabic so I definitely did not look "out of place" in any way. Just being a female walking around alone was "asking for it".
I even experienced a lot of judgement traveling alone in the US. Miami has a pretty bad sexual harassment problem!
What I find helps me deal with it mentally is just sort of "accepting" that I will be judged and treated badly sometimes... just for doing what I love to do even if it's not wrong, just "different". I would never let that stop me from traveling or reducing the euphoria I get from travel. I try to become desensitized to the cruel and judgemental comments and assumptions. I can't change the way others think overnight, so I try my best to not let it get to me.. but it's hard.
Hi Alyssa,
I have to admit that I was one of the "haters" after reading your article "yes, I'm Pretty...". It was a pretty obnoxious piece of writing that focused on completely wrong issues. I don't know if you tried to sound funny and it went wrong, or what happened, but you came across as a very superficial, self obssessed girl. I mean, at one point you actually make fun of people for wearing proper attire for trekking or climbing a hill! As an semi-experienced trekker (is that even a word??) I do not even want to remember the amount of times my friends and I had to help "Flashdance" tourists (you know the type - leggings, running shoes and leg warmers) get off the hill after they had managed to sprain their ankle(s).
However, I decided to check you out on your website and I now think you are rather funny and interesting writer. I really liked your 15 tips for travelling like a Ninja, and some other articles as well.
As a solo traveller I cannot say I have experienced any difficulties just because I am a woman or "pretty". I prefer to think that those problems were a part of experience that every traveller will encounter sooner or later. After all, our life is what we make it to be!
Hi Vanesa! Unfortunately my dry humor and sarcasm are a bit hard to pick up on sometimes lol but I am so glad you actually took the time to check out my other stuff, because the "pretty" article was definitely meant to be funny, although the things I write about really do happen to me and a lot of other women! But what I meant by saying "pretty" was more about the stereotype since the whole article was about being judged, and the issues that (some) women have to deal with just because they want to travel solo. Thanks again and happy/safe travels!! -Alyssa
Hi, I sure wish we had the internet back in the 60's. All of us Old Timers could curl ur toes with stories. First of all back in the late 60's girls nor women traveled in vehicles alone going any where but the grocery store. Back then when it was not popular or viewed favourably i moved by myself from LA to Texas, pulling a uhaul trailer. I have always been a gypsy and even to this day travel 90% of the time by myself. Love the solitude. I have hitch hiked over most of Cal back in early 70's. But would not recomend it now or anytime after 1980. People and things have change too much.
I spent 20 years in the Navy and at every port i visited the city /country by myself.
The bigest advice whether good looking or not, Dress and Act appropriately. I mean conservative and with modesty. Be friendly but not overly. Do not tell everyone /anyone your life story where you live or where you are headed. ie. if you are headed to texas tell anyone who askes or not an opposit destination. All these years i have had minimal problems and most of them have been while hitch hiking.
There just are certain things you do not do when on your own going anywhere.
Glad to have come across this post,Alyssa! People should be made aware of the challenges and awkward situations girls face while travelling solo.
On a lighter note, I'm also reminded of the Bollywood movie 'Queen', in which a small-town girl sets off on a solo honeymoon across Europe.Was one of the best movies that came out last year!
Thanks Menorca! I'll have to check it out...I like that way of thinking... "I'm on a honeymoon with myself" hahaha
Alyssa I'm so glad you posted this follow up. I think it's a really productive direction for this conversation to go. I thought I'd share a story too.
I went to Peru last year and a friend, male, was with me for the first week. We traveled around a bit and I was actually pleasantly surprised at how respected I felt. I even made the comment when talking to an Aussie who was offering up that his sister had traveled to Colombia and said it was the safest place she felt traveling as a female (I was headed there shortly). I told him, it's pretty great here, so I hope Colombia is the same. My friend went back to the States and I had a few days left in Peru before heading to Bolivia and Colombia. So I explored. I walked the same streets, the same malecón as the week before. The only thing different was the absence of a male friend walking with me. And then everything was different. The cars honking or stopping. The comments from everyone I passed. Suddenly I realized that huge amount of respect I had felt just a week before wasn't for me, it was for him.
I'm also glad you heard from a lot of men in response because I find that when I share stories like those we've all experienced, it's hard for men who would and have never behaved that way to get it. It's so far out of what they would see as acceptable, that it takes hearing the real stories to see and know it happens.
Hi Jessica! Thank you so much for sharing your story! Although I wish that situation didn't happen to you (or anyone) I'm glad you so boldly shared it, because this truly is an issue that needs to be finally discussed! Thank you again, and I wish you all the best, and safe travels!