Leonardo DiCaprio’s Table? Sure, Why Not. – DBA Hollywood

I might get black listed for this.

By Alyssa Ramos

Despite what a large majority of people may think, I do not like going to nightclubs. I’m like the oldest 25 year old in the world, and would much rather go to charity event and be in bed by 12 than set foot in the coolest nightclub in the world. Well, maybe not in the world, because if it were in another country that would mean I was traveling, and traveling trumps everything else I’d like to be doing. But I digress. My point is that it is extremely rare for me to go to a club, yet I went to one, due to a not so rare occurrence in LA…canceled plans.

DBA is currently said to be the hottest new club in Hollywood, created by famed artistic director, Simon Hammerstein who created some super cool and trendy club in New York and blah blah blah. Curious about the name? According to their website, “DBA is an acronym for “doing business as” – it is a blank canvas. A raw space brought alive by the artists and personalities inhabiting it each season. Blurring the lines between art & commerce, the venue is designed to function as cabaret, dance club, and interactive gallery space.” …………..it was brought alive alright….by extremely weird implied sex shows.

Call me old fashioned but I’m just not into watching “artists” dance around with their tits out, especially since all I can think of is “that girl is getting paid to dance with her tits out in a nightclub”. But whatever, since Miley Cyrus likes it I convinced myself that it must be  artistic and tasteful…until I saw a penis. Yeah, that’s right, to all you guys who are thinking “Topless girls? That’s awesome!”, you would have been amongst the many guys at our table who were enjoying an extremely graphic scene of two bondage men ravishing a topless female who suddenly shocked everyone when she whipped out her penis and flung it around.

Then it got weirder, and by weirder I mean it was weird, but I can see the over all concept of men objectifying women for their sexiness, when sexiness is oh-so-easy to fake, anyway, then, one of the guys lifted off what appeared to be fake boobs! Everyone thought they were watching a sexy topless chick get manhandled, and then SURPRISE! You just got turned on by dudes! I loved it. And I also loved seeing not one, but two guys in lipstick getting out of two separate Lyfts this morning outside of my apartment. Gotta love WeHo.

It was at that moment that I decided to start drinking Macallan on the rocks (much to my current regret). Then, the performers went off into the crowd and started grabbing people and leading them back onto the dance floor to take part in an actually pretty impressive choreographed dance where they spun around and waltzed to the house music and whatnot. There was a massive neon-lit octopus that looked like it was on Molly that started swimming over the crowd below us, and the only reason why I even saw any of this was because I was trying really hard not to stare at Leonardo DiCaprio who was sitting three feet away from me. I love you Jack.

Every time I would try to look at him I would just make super awkward eye contact with him or one of his friends. Not that I’m complaining about making eye contact with Leonardo DiCaprio, I just didn’t want to seem like every other girl in the world who can’t help but stare at Jack. I mean Leo….I mean….. Jack.

Unfortunately he was engulfed in a seemingly enthralling and interesting conversation with the expressionless models that were surrounding him, giving me no chance to ask him why the fuck he wasn’t able to share that damn raft with Rose, and also why he hasn’t proposed to me yet, but I quickly accepted the fact that I am not a model and unfortunately do have a personality.

Luckily his friends were more interested in convincing me to go to an after party at his house than the models. I was all excited and looked around for my friends, mainly to announce that I was considering going to an after party since there’s nothing I hate more than nightclubs than after parties, but they were all gone. I suddenly felt like a lost child in a grocery store. All I could think was Ah, what do I do, what do I do, what do I do while I tried to weigh out the potential risk of going to Leonardo DiCaprio’s house to after party with a bunch of people I just met, or the fact that I would be at Leonardo DiCaprio’s house. I think my decision is pretty obvious. Drops the mic.