Miley Cyrus Would Get a Naked Teddy Bear at DBA

This may shock and disappoint you but she was actually very calm and collected.

By Alyssa Ramos

Like everyone else on the planet, minus the supa freaks, extremists, and people who like things purposely because everyone else doesn’t, I too was appalled and even a little upset when the seemingly sweet and innocent Miley Cyrus hacked off her pretty Hannah Montana hair and twerked her way out of “just being Miley”. Now that it is evident (to smart people) that that is exactly what she wanted to do, and even more evident that she succeeded, most of us can appreciate and even applaud her for her publicity stunts that took her from a cutesy Disney star, to a badass yet extremely talented performer who may or may not have a sex, drug, and teddy bear addiction.You would think that from her songs and performances wouldn’t you?

Well, I guess that’s why they call it the ENTERTAINMENT industry isn’t it? That’s right, she just mind-f*cked the shit out of all of you, she’s not like that in real life. Last Friday I was graciously invited back to the hot/sexy/freaky new night club, DBA, which if you haven’t already heard about it (see previous post), is designed by famed nightclub designer something Hammerstein, and is meant to be a blank canvas for artists to change every few months while shocking you in as many ways as possible (for instance, the last time I was there, I literally had to split my attention span between staring at Leonardo DiCaprio‘s pretty face, and comprehending what in the hell was going on on the club’s stage). Anyway, the nice marketing director invited me back, and set me up at the same front table that I was at last time Leo was there, and low and behold, who should be at the table this time but Lindsay Lohan!!! …just kidding, she’s not allowed out yet, it was Miley Cyrus.

But it was a classy Miley Cyrus, not the naked Miley Cyrus we are all so used to seeing entirely too much of. She even looked a bit strange to be so covered up wearing pants, and a lace button down shirt that surprisingly had cloth covering the boob area. See, that’s what I get for assuming things about people. Anyway, she sat at her booth calmly, with a big ole’ smile indicating approval of the even more mind-f*ing performances that were going on.

First there was a girl in a clear plastic dress with clear plastic tutu that climbed up on top of a two person…creature, and started riding it through the center of the club. Forgive me if my descriptions are terrible, but I should note that some of the things you see are so obscene that it’s hard to wrap your brain around what in the hell is even going on, and what you can remember, your brain wants to forget. This is usually around the time I start drinking heavily. Oh by the way, Usher also stopped by to say hi to Miley, people were freaking out about it, so if anyone cares, there ya go.

I have no idea what I was looking at in the second performance, but I took a photo if you’d like to let your mind wander, and then the third performance I distinctly remember. At first I thought it was kind of cute to see a reenactment of a clown giving birth to a person, I didn’t even get that weirded out that she was only wearing a tutu, I wrote it off as creative. Then the clown nurse delivering her placed her delicately in the bath tub on stage and started to bath her while the now creepy and terrifying clown MAN that had just given birth sat in a rocking chair. Then he got up, shooed the nurse away and began simulating eating the girl……………out. I died. I filled my cup up with vodka, and died.

Actually I just turned my attention back to Miley’s table, which just so happened to be the next act. By the way when they say the club is “meant to continuously shock you”, they aren’t lying, at all. So of course they didn’t just bring Miley Cyrus out a bunch of bottles with sparklers on them like most clubs do. Oh no. Miley gets her sparkler bottles delivered to her from a shirtless guy in a white bondage mask and tutu (there’s a lot of tutu’s, I know), carrying a personalized bottle carrier…a girl in a fishnet bodysuit with a teddy bear head. The teddy-girl was placed on the guys lap sitting at the table, then she crawled up onto Miley’s lap, which she seemed to thoroughly enjoy. Good for her. She deserves a live teddy bear.

Before I knew it it was 2am, which means I had a good time since that is way past my bedtime of 1am. I would have walked my tired ass the two blocks to my apartment, but let’s be serious, if we’re going to be one of the only cities with Uber, we might as well use it.