Oscars 2014 – The Hot, The Weird, and The Awkward

by Alyssa Ramos

Three years ago, I was watching the Oscars on TV, reveling in all of the glitz and glamour and dreaming about what it must be like to see the Red Carpet…now the Red Carpet along with every major celebrity are literally 2 minutes away from my apartment in Hollywood. It’s kind of awesome.

Of course with the Academy Awards shutting down Hollywood Blvd, we didn’t dare drive anywhere, plus it was raining which means that no one in LA should be allowed to drive anyway, so being the jaded Hollywood kids that we are, we watched the Oscars live from a chic, comfy couch in the Hills while sipping a surplus of white wine and champagne. Of course we could see the massive red carpet in front of the Dolby Theater from the top of the hill, plus I had a client who’s a Celebrity Beauty Expert (Nurse Jamie) texting me photos from behind the scenes, so it was kind of like we were there anyway…not really, but whatever.

Everyone obviously looked stunning and perfect, we all know that, so let’s talk about the funny and weird shit that happened. First there was Jared Leto taking a selfie like he was starstruck by himself, then there was Matthew McConaughey‘s wife who looked like she could barely move in that Peptobismol pink wannabe Kate Middleton dress.

Jennifer Lawrence fell…again…but it was no where near as funny as the first time. I’ve tried really hard to like her but when I look at her all I see is an angry Cabbage Patch doll’s face…seriously though, you’re like the number one movie star right now, why must you always look someone asked you the most appallingly dumb question ever?

Moving back to Jared Leto, his speech was supposedly very touching, however all we heard was a really long noise, with words that were incomprehensible over all of our pretentious complaints about how long it was. Because we’ve all won an Oscar and all. We all unanimously confided that none of us had seen 12 Years A Slave because it looked too sad, but Lupita‘s “bird-egg-blue” dress was fabullouusss (there were 3 gay guys and 2 girls..we were as annoying as the Kardashians…my poor boy-thing and his friends).

We absolutely LOVED the massive celebrity selfie that broke a Twitter world record and puts any selfie ever taken to shame, and hopefully will encourage self-obsessed narcissists everywhere to stop taking them…so you agree, you think you’re really pretty? We also really loved that Ellen DeGeneres actually got pizza delivered (which inspired me to make Cauliflower Crust Pizza that everyone LOVED) and that an enthusiastic Brad Pitt was super excited to help pass it out to Meryll Streep and Julia Roberts while Angelina Jolie looked like hell had just frozen over and there were children they could be saving instead of having an epic pizza party in the front row of the Oscars.

For me, nothing was more awkward and cringe-worthy than Matthew McConaughey’s acceptance speech. He legit sounded like a sociapath…AKA like all of those years of intense character development for roles, especially the last one, had finally caught up to him for the ultimate mind f**k. Like I have 0 idea what he was even talking about. If you missed it, click the link below…

http://video.vulture.com/video/Matthew-McConaugheys-Oscars-Spe

I wish I had some fabulous stories to tell about the after-Oscars parties like Elton John‘s and Madonna‘s, but by the time the show was over, I was so full and tipsy that all we ended up doing was watching The Little Mermaid. Not joking.